The Journey
Starting The Journey
There are so many people, like me, who have experienced sexual trauma as children. But when it comes to trauma, age alone does not determine to what degree a person is affected—traumatized. We struggle with so many things, and we attempt to struggle in secret. We hide who we believe is the real “us”. We question who we can trust, with what and to what degree. The lacking trust is not only toward our abuser(s), and people that we deem like our abuser(s), but it can be lacking in regard to persons of one gender or another, parents, anyone we feel is better/happier, with God and, even whether we can trust ourselves. We commonly struggle with our value as human beings, which stems from being treated as though we were simply something to use, a thing to dispose of. Hope is often elusive. It isn’t that we never have hope. There are people like myself that have had hope, but my hope was often misplaced or grandiose.
With feeling worthless—disposable, we often suffer from unhealthy body image. From life’s experience, I know that this is prevalent among woman who were violated as children. But these feelings do not just affect women. They can haunt any survivor of abuse, regardless of gender. The trauma can be emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, or any combination thereof. The feelings about our physical selves can be few or many and, anywhere from believing that some specific part of us is ugly, to “body dysmorphic disorder. There are also those who overcompensate, with an overinflated idea of self and image. Common issues for people who have been sexually traumatized include but are in no way limited to: anorexia, bulimia, overeating, binging, abuse of diet supplements/drugs, over exercising, using steroids, self-medicating, and self-surgery, or self-mutilation.
I don’t know where you are in your journey, and I can’t pretend that I have all the answers. I have learned a lot, and have come a long way but my journey is ongoing. I am a self-proclaimed, self-help addict. Self help is where I started. I had to start there because I couldn’t trust anyone else, not really. But it was not the answer to all of my issues stemming from ongoing abuse, coupled with an extremely messed up family life.
Over time I realized I couldn’t fix myself. I needed more, and that is when I looked beyond the self-help books and reached for God. I strived for the spiritual that I didn’t believe was possible, for me. I believed God loved everyone, except me. Thats an whole other story. Eventually, I also started seeing a therapist. I had to fight the stigma of needing psychological help.
Ultimately, I was determined to use everything at my disposal to help free, that inner self that had been hurt so badly. That help came in the form of counseling, both spiritual and psychological, as well as continued education, formal and informal.
I have not arrived, not even close. In the beginning I merely survived. But survival wasn’t enough. I wanted to live, to thrive. Life doesn’t have to be so painful every day. I wanted to stop hiding behind the invisible fortress that I had erected, with hurt, fear, shame, humiliation, worthlessness, abandonment, loneliness. . .. At first, I needed to build that wall, because the people who were supposed to protect me, didn’t. While the wall kept people out, its usefulness was eventually lost and the protective barrier morphed into a me very own prison,. For decades, I felt as though I was serving a life sentence.
No one has to suffer forever. You don’t have to suffer forever. Educate yourself, find inspiration, and reach outside of yourself. You can start, and/or stay on the path to healing.
I believe in miracles. There are some whose miracles come quickly, even instantly. Often, the miracle comes in increments, in stages. The incremental miracles are no less spectacular. Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. Some will be quiet and small, some will be spectacular, thrilling, instantly life changing, and others will be anywhere in between or a combination thereof.
How do you find your miracles? Don’t give up. Your miracles will come as you move forward.
It’s all about the Journey!
